Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
