I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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