My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
