According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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