you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she smelled like a LAN party
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just want nice things and good sex
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
