so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
