I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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