she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
