Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
