Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
