Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
