I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
