My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
