dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
