His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
