Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
