the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
