goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
