he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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