just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
