just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
