Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
