Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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