I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I want her autograph on my taint
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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