Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
