So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
