im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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