Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
