Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
