Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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