just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
