drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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