I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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