I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
