i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
