it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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