so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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