Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
