I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
