I wish I could punch you in the face.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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