oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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