Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
