a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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