I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
