He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
