I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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