It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
