how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
