if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
