I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.â€
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