i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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