He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize