I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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