I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
you never un-have a 4some
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
