Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
