I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
