So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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