its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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