***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
