mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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